Two Months Ago

1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

Sleep has forsaken me, everynight, I watch the minutes tick by as if waiting for a bus that will never come. It is at night that the pain overtakes me. But it is not the pain from my head, or from the surgery, but the pain from my degenerative disk disease and from my eyes. This is all part of the Neurofibryomaatosis. Now that I feel my face is gettingn better, I can feel everything else so much more. I wish the implant on my brain would be willing to treat my whole body to a pain free life.

I have had better days with my children, I am laughing more, singing them songs they have never heard, going on walks. It has been at least five years since I have been able to do that. Isn't God amazing? Just when I start succumbing to my pain, He reminds me, " Look at all you can do now?"

So when you feel like giving into the temptation of giving up, running away, turning away, any temptation at all, just seek God, he will lead you to your means of escape. For me, it is in the songs my toddler now sings, or planting seeds in the garden with my kids. Hours spent like that are worth a thousand sleepless nights. When you have it all taken away and bit by bit it starts coming back to you, it just makes each day so much sweeter.

I am and will have pain of some degree for the rest of my life, I know that, but I also know that I am no where as bad off as I used to be. I have gone two full months without a trip to the ER for pain, two months since my last brain surgery and look at all the progress God has made on me! Isn't it just amazing?

 

The art of sitting still

It is so hard to be still and wait, isn't it? I know none of us enjoy spending hours in bed everyday, but the reality is that many of us have no other choice. I look at all the people around me who are so active and I just crave that for myself, but I also wonder do they know a world like mine exists? I sure didn't until it happened to me. My pain is bad, my jaw feels broken, but the improvement on the rest of my face is remarkable. And I am more then beyond thankful for the relief God has granted me. I still have to remind myself all the time that I am on His path, his chosen path, not my own. I must do things according to his will, his timing, not mine. I can not rush the healing process, no matter how hard I try to pretend I am all better. I am not, at least, not yet. I am so groggy all the time, I just feel like a walking shell of who I once was. All I want to do is sleep. The neurosurgeon told me six months to a year. It has not even been two months. How often do we look to God and question his perfect timing? I know I have no right to, but still in the back of my mind, I am begging him to release me from this bondage and set me free out into the world. I want to get involved in the community again, I want to serve, I want to learn..But that is just it, these are my wants, maybe they will happen, but they will happen on his time, not mine. And I must practice the art of sitting still and knowing, that he is God, and in him there is perfect timing, perfect strength and perfect abundance of love amd hope to make it through, even this.

Crying in the dark.

It is night, late at night. And once again I am afraid to report that I find myself crying in the dark. I am sad, I still need medication on top of my stimulator. Perhaps one day I will not, but as I lay my head down, the headache rolls in and the knots in my neck where my surgery scars are forever etched into my skin begin to tighten and I must run for the medication to make it stop or my chronic pain will flare up again. It is a never ending war. Me against the pain. Amd all I want to do is be a wife, be a mom and be a faithful servant to God. For me that entails, three meals on the table, laundry done and neatly put away, home work with the kids, being able to go to classes at my church to help me grow. Maybe this is Jesus reminding me that I am still growing, just with him. This could be Jesus reminding me that He always takes care of the details while I am sick and unable to do the things I want to do. I am beyond blessed by the wonderful people he brings into my life to provide everything we need. Down to all the details I couldn't even think of. So why do I feel so sad? If everything I need is in the arms of Jesus, why do I shed tears? I sometimes feel like I am missing out on life. That there are smiles on my children's faces that I miss, like I had to miss the my sons band and choir concert so the noise would not effect me. Lord, my heart is broken. He reminds me as I pray that the world that awaits me is beyond compare, that there will be so much more, and a wave of comfort over comes me. That is how faithful our Lord is, he collects our tears in a jar and then turns them into a comforted smile. It's bittersweet, this life. There is so much joy, and yet there is also so much pain. I guess I have just had about enough of all I can take with the pain. I want to thank all the wonderful friends who join with me in my journey, who pray, who help provide in any way, I love you all and you serve as reminders to me everyday that Jesus is with us. He is always right with us. Turning our sorrow into the moments of joy that we hold onto.

Lessons in provision

What keeps me up at night, It's past two am, it is usually almost four before I fall asleep. Pain is at it's worst at night time, but it is also the only time that the house is quiet and I am left alone with my thoughts. I know God had delivered me, I know I have the answers I seek, I know that the mountain of bills that keep coming in from the hospitals will one day come to am end, but I can not help but think that I am the reason we can not go on vacations, Ronan asks me almost every week when we will get to go to Disney world, amd I do not know if that day will ever come. Or I am the reason we can not get a car, put Patrick in pre school, or even live beyond paycheck to paycheck. Each time I go to the mail box, my heart sinks a little more. What have I done? God always provides for us, the things we need, right when we need them. My sweet church family bless us with so much, and I mean it when I tell you it is exactly at the right time. I tend not to worry, but Mike as the man of the house, feels he is the provider, how hard it is to break the habit and turn it over to God in knowing that He is our ultamite provider. We really do not need to worry about such things because the Lord gives us exactly what we need, but I feel bad for putting my family through this. I know it is not my fault, I know that, but it is the earthly woman in me who feels so much saddness that I can not see my kids eyes light up when they enter the magic kingdom. There is no Finacial Peace University course that could ever prepare you for what the costs of so many surgeries could put your family through. We had to foreclose on our home, like so many other Americans, we tried for four years to sell it, but it got to the point where we could not afford to eat, what do you do? Pay your medical bills so you can get the help you need, or pay for a house that you no longer live in because your husbands job transferred you? I this is such a personal battle, but one I am sharing because I know there are so many that face the same issues. It is so hard these days. You are blessed, we are blessed if we can make it pay check to paycheck. But when you throw in the whirlwind that medical debt leaves behind, it just becomes hard to focus on healing. I know when these things begin to eat me up that God will once again remind me in some gentle way, he has me taken care of. Everything will be alright, and maybe one day, we will get to Disney. But right now, I need to give it over, and know that it is alright to feel this way, so long as I do not stay feeling this way. Better days are ahead, I am ready for the day when I can ope. The mail box and leave the pain, and the reminder of all the lost hours spent in hospitals. So ready.

It's back

It was so bitterly cold today, I have been wearing my summer skirts and light sweaters, but today I saw people bundled up, hats, gloves, the works. I did not go outside prepared. The wind whipped me across my face and the viper of pain struck my right side again, the side that was freed. They warmed me it would happen and that I would need adjustments, but they thought it would be more like every three months. I made it one. Jeremiah 33:3 "call to me and I will tell you great unsearchable things you do not know." It was unsearchable to me why I would have to endure one more day of this, one more sleepless night, but I ask my Lord, and he always brings comfort. I feel that if I forget my plight, I might forget even for one second what God has done for me. There is goodness in suffering and that is my relationship with my Father. I know one does not have to suffer to know the walk that I do, but this is what he choose for me, and that makes it special. Going without pain has taught me there is a way, I just need to keep fighting, I have to go back to the Mayo for an adjustment of the nodes that are on my brain, I am blessed that all it requires is a few punches of a button that are programed to my battery, I am blessed that I live close enough to the Mayo that this does not require the added expences of travel. There are so many things to be thankful for. It is just that I know now what life is without pain, and how bad it really is with the pain. I can not believe I endured this for so many years. I sing praise to my Lord who sees me through these days, who hears my cries and brings solace to my heart, there will be a better day. I always say, " God must really love me to keep me going all the time." and you know what? he really does. I learned so much today, and a day with gained knowledge is worth a thousand days in pain. Looks like I have to call the Mayo on Monday. Here I go again.....

Nights in pain

Nights like these, when your eyes are peeled open out of deperation for the pain to stop, the horrendous beating you seem to keep taking over and over again and it is just so hard to to see beyond the black vail that has been cast over your eyes. So how do you find the drive to keep on fighting? The will to make it through the night which always seems worse them the last? The sweeping around my brain seems to be getting much worse and it is time to make a urgent call to my team at the Mayo. I am so uncomfortable. Did you know that Suffering was such a huge matter of importance to Jesus that nearly one fifth of the Gospels are about the subject, Jesus does not want to see his people suffer, yet we live in a fallen world and we must accept that suffering is a part of that. So he left us with so many words, so many verses on how to cast our fears away and set our eyes on the good that suffering produces. Peter teaches us that suffering produces preserance. I can fully state that before I had pain, I did not stand through any trial, I ran away, I did not deal with things that I should of, now I know the importance of weathering a storm, to see the growth that takes place. I have learned to preservere. You see, even in suffering there are gifts. We have the gift that Jesus gave us through his suffering of eternal salvation. He served for so many things, but right now, I am really understanding the gravity of suffering for better things to come. Stay with me here... I know I have been giddy about getting out to do my weeding, something I used to complain about. Now I see with new eyes what a gift it is just to be able to sit outside with my kids, enjoy the warm sun and dig my fingers into the dirt. Something we all do, how many of you take it for granted? What if you had to walk in my shoes and it was taken away? What if you were confined to your room, dim light, no noises? How would you find beauty then? I found it in my conversaions with God. While I am writing and praying that someone can relate so I do not sound off my rocker. On nights like these, I get up and down frequently because the pain jolts me out of bed, I hear my Father in Heaven reply to the groans of my Spirit. "I am with you, I see you, you will be new again." In the boom of Romans we learn that even whe we do not have the right words to pray, the Spirit intercedes on pu behalf and he hears the groans of our hearts. He knows the calls we make to prayer, even when we do not know what to say. Because let's face it, how many times can you ask for a pain free life? It may never come, I know I am so much better than I used to be, I would not change a thing. I do understand that I may have a new kind of chronic pain from the surgeries, the explained that the large metal plates in my skull may cause some discomfort and swelling. I am so in awe of the work God has done in my life, I have to hold onto that during these sleepless nights, it is what sees me through. God promised better days, and they really do keep getting better. Over the next little while I am going to be studying the theme of suffering in the Bible, so I will be sharing my thoughts and some of the text from the different books I am reading including the word of God. I hope that this will not only help me, but help others who might be suffering in anyway. We are being hit hard right now, finically,medical bills are piling up, mikes health has been bad, I have been thrown into full time mommy duty again and I pray I can make it through, but I am only a month out and the doctor said I needed six months. Please share with me how you are suffering, how I can pray for you right now. I will be sharing what I learn and perhaps this can benefit many of us who are experiencing any kind of suffering, hurting or attacks right now. Hold firm to the vine, it goes through many seasons of change, but always grows back stronger and firmer in it's roots. Hold on sweet friends, we are not alone. No matter how long or dark your night may be.

Hope that I have

Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you the reason for the hope that you have.-1 Peter 4:15 I know I have not been writing much lately, mostly it is because I am allowing myself time to get comfortable in my new skin. I am allowing things to settle, I am still without my chronic pain, Praise God. I am so so thankful. I am also just waiting, as if it might come back. That I might wash my face and be hit again, or brush my teeth and have the bat strike me across the face, but it has not happened. When you are on the receiving end of such a miracle, there is a period, of wondering "Why did God choose me?" I do not want that to take away from the praise that I sing, but I do wonder, I have so many people in my life that still suffer, and I know there are so many hurting people all over that I now feel a tremendous duty to share with everyone who asks, and even those who do not, that the hope is in God. Our promise of a better day, is in his hands. I need to shout it from the mountain top, I want to scream it to everyone who takes a second look at my scarred head. Our sweet heavenly Father, is hope. I am not with out pain, my post op pain is still bad, my neck is really sore from the wires that feed from my brain to my coller bone amd I still can hardly open my mouth from the TMJ, but it is all nothing in the face of what I used to go through. I spent the day in my garden with my boys, my hands dirty, covered in mud and mulch, I sat there and listened to my little boys laughing and playing in the sun. I have not had a day like this in years, it has been at least five. Can you believe the gravity of that? And it is all because of God!! A sweet women I know went home to be with the Lord today in a very unexpected way, she had this radiating smile, served God with a huge heart, reached out as a mother to not only her own children but also to any that crossed her path as if they were her own. She helped anyone who needed it, even if it was just by standing next to them as they faced their own storm. Quietly pointing the way to Christ, weathering all storms. The world lost an amazing woman of God today, Sharon Jackson. She left behind huge shoes to fill. But Heaven just gained a beautiful light, the Angels sing her home. I will always remember today. But not with saddness, but with the hope of complete restoration that will one day come to us all who know our Savior. If she were with me today, I know she would of wept tears of joy with me as I played with my boys. What a day, a future in the hands of our Lord, a beautiful life celebrated home, the promise that comes with the bloom of the daffodils in my garden. There is hope all around us and far beyond us. Today, I will remember to always live as if each day was my last. I know Sharon did, she made each moment count. I pray I can do the same.